Dramatis Personae

Mom - Nurse, gardening enthusiast, new Pink Floyd fan (I'm convertin', I'm convertin'...).

Dad - Former lumberyard kingpin, now wandering spirit and musician. Sat in on bass with both Dave Brubeck and Henry Mancini in the '60s (I ain't got that kinda cred).

Leslie - Sister, teacher of 6th-grade Texas hoodlums. Who need good larnin', make no mistake.

Darren - Husband of Leslie, videographer and cop. He'll shoot you good.

Daniel - Brother, shared a room with me for 15 years. Claims I gave him his left cheek-dimple forcibly as a child. Science throws up its hands in confusion. Now my connection in Albququerque, New Mexico.

Shithead - An immensely talented friend of mine who was in my first band. Lives in Weatherford TX and flounders in its musical firmament. What the hell does that mean?

Meathead - Former bass player and friend of Shithead's who now arrests Texas hoodlums. I give him my suggestions on who needs arrestin' every now & then, but so far most of my old teachers remain unincarcerated.

Gustavson - Drummer, old friend and former romantic rival on not one, but TWO occasions in high school. Now working on various musical projects and running an auto body shop in Tejas with his crazy Iranian uncle. No, I'm not kidding.

Mike P - Grinning scheme-master, plays a mean drum and occasionally writes a fine tune or two.

E - Former girlfriend, Violent Femmes enthusiast and nursing student. Likes beets "because they taste like dirt."

Jehosafat - My cat of 14 years, deceased as of September 17th, 2009.

KISSArmy - Guitarist, chum, and former band member. Likes KISS. A lot.

deanpence - Keyboardist, bassoonist, saxophonist, vocalist, and all around utility guy in my first band, also a tortured ponderer and former operator of the late, lamented Cornhole Show podcast. He can presently be found in my spare room.

Wifely - Well, she's my WIFE, ain't she?

Albert - Cat, whereabouts currently unknown, though probably in the greater Dallas area. Hopefully knocking back a saucer of 2% with a kindhearted old lady. Or Ann Richards.

Tomasland - Boy genius, former landlord, and computer wizard. Drinks Tobasco like root beer.

Midge - Student & former roommate, keeps Tomasland from hurting himself with fire.

Sigmund - One member of the dynamic cat duo at my parents' house. Has the most ferociously clumping fur in Christendom. The Oscar Madison in this feline odd couple.

Socrates - The other cat-in-residence at the folks' place. Obsesses constantly to avoid having fur like Sigmund's. A Felix Unger if ever there was one.

Wifeymama - The Wifely's mama, natch. eBay maven and Dancing With The Stars critic.

Mister G - Wifeymama's husband, dancing enthusiast and good grampa.

Roger the cross-eyed cat - Former resident of Wifeymama's home, and winner of Tiniest Voice From Biggest Cat award. Presently living with us.

Nathan - My son, big as a house. A particularly small house. And a particularly cute one. Have a look.

 

PLAYERS NOT IN YE OLDE LIFE TIMELINE, BUT MENTIONABLE:

 

Hippie - Former band member and old pal, lives in lovely Fort Worth TX & writes some mighty fine lyrics now & then.

Paul - Keyboardist, songwriter, producer, and graphic novel afficionado. He just flew from New York to Serbia, and boy, is he tired.

Maja - Paul's wife, a professor. Serbian (not American, you imperialist swine), which means you should NOT fuck with her.

Petra - She's my German-American cousin, an actress & former musician. You may have spotted her somewhere, or maybe not.

Arthur - Mastering engineer & thinking feller. Recently relocated to California, the lucky bastard.

Dorian - Singer, songwriter, lover of Jack & Coke. He used to be in movies out in L.A. Maybe you've seen him.

Kimberly - Drummer, lover of hard cider & nonlinear grooves. Was once a Texan, but Jersey won out. Must've been the gardens they're always talking about.

Makenna - My niece, daughter of Leslie & Darren. She's just one of the cutest things anyone on Earth's ever seen. Don't take my word for it, see for yourself.

Gavin - My nephew, daughter of Leslie & Darren. The cuteness, it runs in the fambly.

 

If you're interested in matthew's pre-show history mentioned herein, you can find some here.